You can only manage your half of any relationship

I'm always struck by how opposites attract. I'm also struck by how attraction turns into frustration over time. It's a fascinating phenomenon that we are drawn to people with different characteristics and strengths than we have. Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to change them so that they are more like us. Ironic, isn't it? In healthy relationships we can only manage our half of that relationship. How much time do you spend trying to manage the other person's half? How much time do you spend managing your own thoughts and actions? What can you do to manage your half more effectively? In order to manage our half it requires a great deal of awareness. Awareness of self and awareness of other. The first step to heightening our awareness is practicing presence. Become fully present in each moment as you observe yourself and others.

Authenticity

I recently read a blog from Seth Godin that I really resonated with. Here's what he has to say about authenticity:

If it acts like a duck (all the time), it's a duck. Doesn't matter if the duck thinks it's a dog, it's still a duck as far as the rest of us are concerned.

Authenticity, for me, is doing what you promise, not "being who you are".

That's because 'being' is too amorphous and we are notoriously bad at judging that. Internal vision is always blurry. Doing, on the other hand, is an act that can be seen by all.

As the Internet and a connected culture places a higher premium on authenticity (because if you're inconsistent, you're going to get caught) it's easy to confuse authentic behavior with an existential crisis. Are you really good enough, kind enough, generous enough and brave enough to be authentically a hero or leader?

Mother Theresa was an atheist, filled with self doubt. But she was an authentic saint, because she always acted like one.

You could spend your time wondering if what you say you are is really you. Or you could just act like that all the time. That's good enough, thanks. Save the angst for later.

The Vision Thing

One of the most important skills that differentiates a leader from a manager is the ability to create and articulate a clear vision for all of the followers.

In an interview with CNN's John King on State of The Union, Jack Welch, former CEO of GE, said he continues to disagree with many of Obama's policies, but said the new president deserves "an 'A' in terms of leadership.”

"I like the way he's expressing a vision, the way he's brought a team together," Welch said. "He's done the vision thing, he's a great communicator and he's got a team-building skill that is really working."

Lead by Joining

Fareed Zakaria in a recent interview on CNN said the following, "For America to continue to lead the world, we will have to first join it. President Obama seems to understand this and is doing his best at meetings like the G-20 and the NATO summit. It is also imperative that more Americans become aware of what is going on in other places -- the other 90 percent of the world."

Accountability

When we speak about accountability it is to take responsibility for one's actions. In my book, Behavior Change...A View From the Inside Out, I talk about four principles of Creating Lasting Change.

Awareness and acceptance are the first steps to creating lasting change,
Understanding what holds habitual behavior in place is key to doing things differently,
Improvement is making new choices and replacing the old patterns with more effective ones,
Reinforcement emphasizes that practice with feedback brings improvement.

Last night, in his address to the US Congress, President Barack Obama said in regard to the economic crisis, "It's only by understanding how we've arrived at this moment will we be able to lift ourselves out of this predicament." This is an excellent example of how a world leader is asking us to help make the changes we need, by being accountable for the situation we find ourselves in. With out this step, we will simply repeat the behavior that got us here.

Passion

Here's a wonderful piece of inspiration from Robert Genn's blog that was sent to me.

Dr. Susan Biali, 37, a medical doctor as encouraged by her parents, has written a book on passion and how she found her true calling. Right now she's negotiating a TV program about the process. Susan says passion means getting at the very core of who you are and what you want to do. Since childhood she had longed to be a dancer. One morning she arrived home exhausted from a particularly stressful night shift in the emergency ward. Desperate, she turned around, slammed the door, flew to Cuba and took up Flamenco.

Susan is now a professional dancer.

The word passion comes from the Latin patior, meaning to suffer or to endure. These days, losing its uncomfortable roots, passion is a feeling of unusual excitement, enthusiasm or compelling emotion toward a subject, idea, person or object. Here's how to get it:

Revisit and repossess your core dreams and fantasies.

Consider your dreams to be private, unique and sacred.

Get help from and watch the actions of the already passionate.

Indulge, honour and live in your own imagination.

Don't talk about it, do it.

See your passion manifested into action or production.

William Burke, the great philosopher and definer of emotions and passions, wrote in 1780, "There's a boundary to passions when we act from feelings; but none when we are under the influence of imagination."

When you serve your passions, proficiency gradually takes over and becomes habitual. "Permission" becomes entrenched with even more focus and those giddy feelings of success. It's like love--when you're in it you hardly know where you are, but all is well.

"Figure out what you're passionate about. If you're not passionate about something, go find it. We do not need more unengaged boring people to inhabit this planet." (Ben Heppner)

Esoterica: Reflection, quietude and self-containment build passion like a kettle coming to the boil. Heated, nothing is too much trouble. As excitement really bubbles up, your face becomes flushed and you have an increase in temperature. In a quiet studio, at the altar of your easel, the condition of your armpits is a good indicator. "Be still when you have nothing to say," said D. H. Lawrence, "but when genuine passion moves you, say what you've got to say, and say it hot."

HankFieger.com/blog

Hi, I'm finally up and running with a new site and a book and blog.

I'm really looking forward to this new creative journey and hope that you will contribute to it as well with your comments, reactions, and questions.

I look forward to furthering the conversation. More to come soon.